Ha!

So alot of people have weighed in on whether or not people need strollers. I've decided to forgo a stroller, harness or wrap and go with this post apocalyptic number. Be careful when you enter a room with my baby and I, you may enter but you may not leave.

ummm

Belation due to stress. And no belation is not a word. more to come soon.

A rat?

Pheonix, and the east valley, has this unusual quality of randomly smelling REALLY badly. You'll be walking along and then suddenly there is poop in your nose. Go to the same spot tomorrow and no biggie. Well today walking home I smelt what had to be 100 pounds of jack cheese being thrown into a swimming pool of slow boiling butter. I'm hungry.

A bit on the conversion

So the last conversion can be worded as such. Take the pressure one experiences on the deepest part of the Mariana trench. Not stack enough 1"x1"x14", one and two-thirds pound cucumbers until the pressure exerted in the same. No slice all those cucumbers into 1/2" slices and put 16 to a cucumber sandwich with 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise. All that mayonnaise would require a number of eggs that could be used to vaccinate the aforementioned populations against the flu.

Week 26

So before I start I want to say that on hunting for information on the vegetable of the week I ran into a good man with a similar thought on this whole fauna-to-flora comparison thing as I. Also his little girl is beautiful and going through a tough time right now, my thoughts go out to you. But alas I have some baby unit conversions to commit good sir!

One and two-thirds pounds, 14 inches head to heel and english hothouse cucumber. Cucumber is such a silly word to type because the first two syllables start with cu but sound different. Amazing what a little m can do.

So anyway you'd be surprised on where my brain will take us today, I know I was. For the record my conversions, except for next week's, are not premeditated and I just kind of go where my will takes me. Now pay attention because this one is tough. Consider the baby-cucumber of 14"X1"X1" and weighing in at 1.66 pounds (my little stegosaurus with the base measurement approximated to be like the cucumber). So if he stood on you he'd impart .1134 Atmospheres of pressure. The Mariana trench at its deepest is roughly 36,200 feet. So at the bottom you'd experience 15693.43 pounds of water or 1067.58 atmospheres of pressure (of coarse in addition to the 1 from the atmosphere itself). So, 1 atmosphere of pressure is 8.82 babies. So 9416 babies would impart the same force as the Mariana trench's deepest spot! That is 2.08 miles of babies.

BUT I'M NOT DONE!

A slice of bread is roughly 10 cm by 11 cm, say 4 inches square. A cucumber roughly 1 inch by 1 inch could thus have 16 slice fit on this slice for a cucumber sandwich. Ooooooh boy this is awesome you just wait. Let's be generous and but 1/2" slices on this sandwich. I can make 16478 cucumber sandwiches with the aforementioned9416 14"x1"x1" cucumbers (yes I switched from baby to cucumber). Each of these sandwiches needs mayonnaise, say a serving size of 1 tablespoon. A standard recipe for a cup and a half (24 tablespoons) of mayonnaise calls for 2 eggs. That is 1374 eggs. HAHAHA this is the best part.

With that many eggs one could manufacture flu vaccine for the entire population of any of the following EXACTLY:
Eatonville , WA in 1990
Dawson, MN in 2007
Glade Spring, VA unsure of date
Woodland Hills, UT also unsure
Fethard, Ireland in 2006
The asian population of Studio City, CA in 2006 (holy fuck that one is making me laugh)
The Valera Fratta commune in Valera Venezuela in 2006
Ronbinsonville, Mississippi not sure of the date
I'm sure there are more but I'm bored with looking now. HA! hope you enjoyed.

Health Insurance

I know you are excited but the baby conversion is going to have to wait. Thar be dumb people afoot! So I've been reading the hubbabaloo about going to jail because you don't have health insurance. This is of coarse retarded. The obvious parallel is with driver's insurance. If you get pulled over without it the fine is usually 100-500. If you are a habitual offender you could have your license suspended, car impounded and could face steep fines. If you get in an accident you have to pay for everything and could face serious jail time. I don't find this odd. Nor do you (probably).

Now the top commenter at ABC site of sitedness has pointed out that he has always taken care of his own health issues and has never used hostipals and the such. Then guess what. You are a person who walks, bikes and takes the bus everywhere. You don't own or drive a car and thus the system is irelevant to you, unless you ever get hit by a car (i.e. have something really life threatening you can't fix) and then you hope to hell the people who need to be insured are (the driver in the case of the hit, and you in the case of something else life threatening).

I think this panic is another fine example of fear stirring, boat rocking, and general I'm-not-happy-so-I'm-going-to-fuck-with-my-opponentry. A buddy of mine I play WoW with broke his space bar and so he typed with the hyphen in place of the space. It was hard to tell when he was being clever.

Running

So I went "running" last night. What that means is for 1 hour I was out in running shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers, and a ball cap with my headphones in walking very quickly, lightly jogging, or the occasional sprint. I hurt.

ugh...

Working with CCC, watching Larry King, and thinking that Mark Obama Ndesandjo, other than when he is sincere about abuse, is kinda a tool. The abuse is terrible, but he sounds like a shadow of his brother.

Comedic 4th wall

I feel like my blog is a method through which I do comedy from inside a sound proof box with black painted walls with a microphone. Now i know why they invented the Laugh Track.

25 Weeks

I have no idea what is wrong with this god damn baby site. It says that the little guy is roughly the size of a rutabaga. A rutabaga! A cross between a cabbage and a TURNIP! Again with the turnip. Sigh. So the statistics on my baby's size are going to have to wait. Cabbage is cool. In french men have a little sweet nothing they say to their lovers "Ma petite chou", translated "My little cabbage". It is supposed to imply honest love. And if you remember the cereal conversion we are back on Riboflavin (Cabbage is a good source of this). And according to Wikipedia's article on cabbage

Some claim it is effective in relieving painfully engorged breasts in breastfeeding women.

This I find terribly terribly humorous. Rutabaga I guess had a good reputation until about WW1 where it became a food of last resort. The baby site should take such things into consideration when attaching a size to my baby. For we all must admit that '[we] have one language but it is not [ours]" -Vaguely from Jacques Derrida.

So... My baby is about 13 inches, a baker's dozen of inches if you will allow me the weird turn of phrase. Cool idea on the origin of Baker's Dozen, of coarse stolen from Wiki:

The oldest known source and most probable origin for the expression "baker's dozen" dates to the 13th century in one of the earliest English statutes, instituted during the reign of Henry III (1216-1272), called the Assize of Bread and Ale. Bakers who were found to have shortchanged customers could be liable to severe punishment. To guard against the punishment of losing a hand to an axe, a baker would give 13 for the price of 12, to be certain of not being known as a cheat. Specifically, the practice of baking 13 items for an intended dozen was to prevent "short measure", on the basis that one of the 13 could be lost, eaten, burnt, or ruined in some way, leaving the baker with the original legal dozen. The practice can be seen in the guild codes of the Worshipful Company of Bakers in London.

Bitsy, the next potential worlds smallest cat, is 6.5 inches tall and weighs 1.5 pounds. So my baby, standing if he could, would stand at twice the height, but at the same weight of the world's smallest cat. I know I'm lazy... I got distracted by turnips.

The secret to sleep

Beer.

Quitting Smoking

So quitting sucks. I've noticed withdrawal symptoms like being a little retarded and irritable. But something I've read about is that cold turkey is the worst as far as success rate. I think I'm going to try some habit replacement techniques to help. I'm quitting really just because of the baby. In a few weeks Lydia enters her last trimester, when the baby's brain develops the most, and smoking during this period increases the chance of cerebral palsy, learning disabilities, etc. So I'm trying to do my part to help. In addition I don't want to be a smoker once the baby is born because of 2nd hand smoke. So hooray so many reasons to quit, but one really grumpy person quitting. Oh and incidentally two big symptoms of nicotene withdrawal, weight gain and insomnia, yeah I got those in spades.

Okay NOW the baby.

Remind me about the awesome I have planned for week 27... That is 3 weeks away! This past friday the baby turned into a 24 week old fetus and I had quit smoking for roughly 24 hours. So want to know what is really awesome about the baby right now? He weighs in at about 1.25 pounds and he will gain .5 pounds this week. My child will experience a 40% weight gain in a week. Let me put that in perspective for you. I weigh 220 pounds. If I gain 40% of my current weight I will weigh 308 pounds. If I put that on in 7 days I will need to consume 88 pounds or roughly 308000 calories in that time period. Soooo confession time, I love Burger King. Always have. I love their fries and I enjoy a Whopper with cheese. This meal would not be complete without Dr. Pepper either. All this weighs in at about 1790 calories. I sense a stomach ache. Essentially I'd have to eat 25 Whoppers with cheese, Large fries and Large Dr. Peppers PER DAY FOR A WEEK. In order to put on the proportion weight my baby is. Of coarse the cool part is just a single Whopper with Cheese, fries and the soda and I'll gain roughly .5 pounds.

first me and then the baby.

So I know it is time for the 24 week post, but I don't want to do that right now. First I want to talk about how I haven't had a cigarette in 38 hours 8 minutes. My sinuses feel full and I can't stop coughing... AWESOME! Not to mention that if I've seen you I've wanted to punch you in the face, 9 minutes. the most terrible thing about quitting is that you know damn well how to fix your malady, smoke a goddamn cigarette. I want to cuss people out right now. I think its best i bite my tongue. I'm going to be working at my professor's house today in order to complete a paper by Sunday. Happy Halloween to fucking me!

23 Weeks

So I'm a little sad today. Turns out my baby is the size of a mango (roughly 13 inches and 1.1 pounds) and mango is in the same family as poison ivy. I tried to find a weight conversion that consisted of finding out how much one leaf of poison ivy weighs and then noting that goats will graze on poison ivy I had an idea. I looked up a popular docile dairy goat breed that has found its way into the hearts of Maine farmers, Oberhasli, and the typical goat of this breed needs about 5-6 pounds, says 5.5, of dry food a day. I was going to see how much my baby's worth of poison ivy could feed said goat in a day. THEN I knew that this goat can produce as much as 4655 pounds of milk a year (this is roughly 1034 Gallons). Now a gallon of milk is about 16 cups and a serving size of Lucky Charms has a serving size of about 1 cup. So suppose you like your cereal to milk at a 2:1 ratio then this goat can produce enough milk for 33088 bowls of Lucky Charms. I was going to cut this by the amount of Poison Ivy my baby would be and then draw the conclusion of how many people my baby could supply with 83% of their daily allowance of Riboflavin (based on a 2000 calorie diet of coarse). **ANOTHER EDIT: So turns out I'm a moron, i don't need to know the weight of a leaf. Suppose a goat ingests my baby's weight in poison ivy, this is about 20% of his daily feed in a day. In one day the goat may produce 2.8 gallons, not accounting for leap years. 20% of that production is .56 gallons or 9 cups. This would correspond to 9 people who can get their Riboflavin from Lucky charms... AWESOME.**

Instead I went with something more mundane. My baby weighs 1.1 pounds which may be transformed into 7700 Grain, a very precise measurement of gun power. A common round now found in M16s is the 5.56mm which comes in 10 round "stripper clips" (a small piece of metal that holds the bottoms of each round). Each of the 5.56mm rounds is 77 grain so my baby, if he were made of gunpowder could arm 100 soldiers with a clip for their M16, or probably more practically arm 5 soldiers with 20 clips.

After thinking about the gunpowder conversion I found out that typical "old-school" gun powder is 73% Saltpeter (this makes my baby .803 pounds of saltpeter if he were again composed of gunpowder). Alton Brown, one of my favorite foodies, has a recipe for Corned Beef that calls for 2 tablespoons saltpeter for a 5 pound brisket. Alas, i couldn't find out how much 2 tablespoons of saltpeter weighs so I couldn't find out if my baby's .803 pounds of saltpeter could brine my 220 pounds if I were a brisket. I'm guessing it could and then some, but I wanted to be sure.
**EDIT: So I found out, through the guidance of Lydia that Saltpeter is 2.109 g/cubic cm. Doing all the necessary conversions results in my baby's .803 pounds being able to brine 29 pounds of brisket for corned beef.**

Conversations.

I've noticed recently that I am incapable of wanting to discuss anything but my baby. He isn't even born yet. Golly gee willikers! It is kinda funny what me sort of prepping myself for fatherhood and my impending career as a professor have done to me. I've become absolutely infatuated with mentoring and advice giving. I'm sure many find my constant suggestions annoying, but I feel like I cannot help it. Soon there will be a little dude asking me the craziest questions.

Another funny thing that has been hitting me is Halloween. This holiday is going to rock so hard it hurts for like the next 15 years or so. Next year I have 3 costume designs:

1. I dress like a Gundam and the baby like my pilot and I carry him in a harness.
2. I dress like a fighter jet and the baby, in a harness, like a missile.
3. Lydia, Me and the baby dress like Olive Oil, Popeye and Swepea.

That is all I can think of now. My bet is that by next Halloween we will just be happy to put the baby in a silly costume and carry him around a bunch. I think it would be awesome if EVERY day he was in a halloween costume except for October 31st itself. hehe talk to you later guys.

Building off of yesterday

The new Hummer 2 has 325 horsepower at 5200 rpm, 1 horsepower is 33000 foot-pounds/min. My baby is about a foot long and weighs about a pound. Thus a Hummer 2 has the required power to fully displace my baby 10,725,000 times in one minutes. Let the first displacement go up one foot from zero, then back down to zero, then down to negative one foot and then back to zero. this corresponds to 2,681,250 cycles per min. This translates into 44687.5 Hz, roughly the highest frequency you find in dog whistles.

baby update

My baby weighs a pound... yeah that's it a pound.

Musak

Ask anyone what kind of music genre they are into and if they're hip they will tell you Underground ______. You know underground hiphop, underground rock, underground metal etc. I've decided that 2 genres are probably left untouched and need to be explored: underground pop and underground muzak. Just think of the walking contradiction that is underground pop. Popular music that people don't know about! That is hipper than hip. But maybe college rock would probably fall under that category.

Muzak, for those who don't know, is the genre of music where bands redo popular songs for use in elevators and such. Well i guess they've expanded services since the 80's but the core is still the same. Underground Muzak would involve taking songs that no one actually knows about, and may potentially be quite good and then remaking them to target specific audiences or movement apparatuses (elevators). Just a musing about music.

Faithful followers.

So faithful readers... yes both of you. Sorry it has been a while since I've written. I've been a little busy with school and shit. It is official that I will be doing thesis work on consensus modeling which i'm currently finding pretty exciting. I'm also doing some research in expression of networks in some very cool ways (as Rank 1 matrices and such).

My baby is 20 weeks old. That is 10.5 oz. and 10 inches head to toe (it isn't curled up as much any more so measurements don't need to be made head to bottom). Supposedly that is the length of a banana. I worked it out. My baby weighs as much as about 66 cubic centimeters of titanium. This is about half the average precipitation in Osaka. So if it rained titanium for 6 months, then a measurer thingy (I can't find a technical term) would collect my baby's current weight. RAD.